Wednesday, March 2, 2022

Sweet Moment

I was able to hold Ryan tonight.  It was the first time I've really snuggled with him without a cast.  It didn't last long.

Deeply Lonely

I miss having friends. 

I miss good friends. The kind of friends that want to tag along when running everyday errands. The kind of friends who know more about me than just that I have a child in a wheelchair. I miss having friends who know something of my history. I miss having a history with friends. I miss conversations that go beyond a quick click or a few kind words. I miss having friends who come to really visit not just check me off a list. I miss hearing friends say my name. I miss feeling truly connected to other people. I miss feeling like it matters to others whether I show up or not, not just because they need me to do a job, but because they want my company. I miss feeling a part of the group. I miss my friends.

What do you do when you feel deeply lonely?

Tuesday, March 1, 2022


 It's hard to believe that it is already the year 2022.  So much is happening in my life.  My oldest daughter has moved back to San Antonio and is working at a bank.  She has her cosmetology license, but doesn't want to work in that industry right now.  Jacob left San Diego and has moved back to Utah where he is working as a waiter. He is so good about keeping in touch with Dwight.  Michael is nearing the end of his undergrad studies at BYU and is getting married on May 7th to a very kind woman, Heidi, who he met at BYU after his mission in Argentina.  Johnathon has done awesome on his first year at BYU. He really does the "adulting" thing quite well, which isn't at all a surprise to me.  My youngest daughter is having a strong academic freshman year in high school.  She is so intelligent, but seems to be rethinking the plan to take all advanced placement courses next year in hopes that she can lighten the homework load.  Ryan has had a major year, which you have probably heard about already.

In case you haven't....

In November 2021 Ryan had a T2 to pelvis spinal fusion.  It was a very hard decision to do the surgery and we postponed it for a long time. First, we postponed because it just didn't seem to be the right time to do it. Then the surgeon said it was the right time, but when we fasted and prayed about it, we didn't feel it was the right time.  So, we postponed.  Eventually, it was just the time. It still didn't feel good, but we felt at peace about the decision.   

That's interesting, right?  Interesting how sometimes a decision can still feel really hard, but we can feel at peace with the decision.  

The surgery went really well. He had a tough time with his adrenals after the surgery, but some testing post-op showed that it was just a response to the extreme stress of the surgery.  We are very thankful for that blessing.  He has been healing remarkably well.  We have one area of concern:  the hooks at the top of the spine have pulled away from the spine.  If they stay where they are, it'll be okay.  If they continue to pull away (think of it like a zipper), then he will have to go back in for another surgery.  We are praying that it will stay stable. Well, honestly, I'm actually praying for it to be healed.

This is a tough surgery and it takes a long time to recover from the surgery. He was about to be back in his chair the day following the surgery, but the bones and everything need about 6 months to heal. So, we are not out of the woods and won't be for a few more months.  Honestly though, sometimes with Ryan -- maybe with life -- it just feels like we're always in the woods -- and sometimes the woods are okay, because they're beautiful and serene.

What do I mean by that?  Well, it's hard to feel lost in the woods and to feel like you're wandering around in the woods.  But, I don't feel lost.  I feel like I get to spend lots of time with Ryan, and that time feels special to me, maybe sacred.  And, I feel guided or directed in those woods.  So, although it is exhausting at times and sometimes it feels very isolating, it really is very beautiful and serene in the woods.  

I just want Ryan to feel joy and to experience all the good things in the world.  So, it is nice to be out of the woods sometimes too.  

I hope that makes sense.