I had been praying about this whole situation with my tubes and IVF, etc. On Saturday, November 10th, the answer came that I needed to speak with Brother Jeremy King at church. In October, he shared his testimony. He shared a story about his work experience as a fertility specialist for the military.

I am a very private person, especially when it comes to personal health issues. However, the Lord had prompted me to speak with him and so on Sunday I did.

Bro King was so kind. He said that it is premature to make a definitive diagnosis of hydrosalpinx from an ultrasound. He said I really need to have an HSG or laproscopic surgery to see what is really happening. Bro King recommended that I ask my dr for an HSG to start. He even offered to order it for me if my doctor was unwilling to order it that he will order it for me. Unfortunately, because he's military, he was unable to treat me in his office, but he was willing to help in any way possible.

He sounded hopeful. I'm thankful that he came as an answer to prayer. What a blessing for me.
I'm so thankful for personal revelation.

On Thursday, November 15th, I spoke with my OB. She was willing to order the HSG even though she really felt like I was putting myself through unnecessary discomfort. It was to be scheduled at the start of my next cycle, which was due at the beginning of December. It needed to be done sometime during cycle days 5-9. Thus I was instructed to call on cycle day 1 to schedule it.

I was very nervous about the HSG. I had heard they were very uncomfortable. I was also still a little unresolved about doing it. However, I decided to have it done in hopes that it would at least give us more information to explain the tenderness.

I was also hopeful that it would give us a more clear picture of whether my tubes were really completely closed or not. I was anxious and it seemed that the first day of my cycle would never come. I also noted at that time, "I think this situation is also not being dealt with as well as it should be due to the fact that my OB is having her own first baby tomorrow. I love this OB; however, I think she just has other things on her mind now (understandably). "

Answers

I spoke with the fertility specialist at church. He was so kind. He said that it is premature to make a definitive diagnosis of hydrosalpinx from an ultrasound. He said I really need to have an HSG or laproscopic surgery to see what is really happening. He recommended that I ask my dr for an HSG to start. He said if she's unwilling to order it that he will order it for me. Unfortunately, because he's military, he can't treat me in his office, but he's willing to help in any way possible.

He sounded hopeful. I'm thankful that he came as an answer to prayer. What a blessing for me.

Prayer

I have been praying about this whole situation with my tubes and IVF, etc. The answer came today that I need to speak with one of the men at our church congregation. In a testimony that he shared last month he shared a story about his work experience as a fertility specialist. He is military; thus, I wouldn't be able to see him professionally. I don't usually like to share my health information with people. However, my answer was to speak with him. I will do that on Sunday.

I'm so thankful for personal revelation.

And the OB says ...

I spoke with OB. She said the enlarged and fibrous appearance to my uterus on the CT is consistent with having had 5 children.

The hydrosalpinx is not something she would recommend treating. She again confirmed that there is nothing her office can do for us as far as having another child. She feels like we'd just be wasting our time with any type of attempt to get pregnant. She's also concerned that if I do IVF that I might get pregnant with multiples. She's not sure that my uterus could handle a pregnancy with more than 1 child.

I still feel very confused. I do not have an answer to why I have such tenderness on the left side. Additionally, I'm not sure it makes sense for us to spend $15,000 on a CHANCE of getting pregnant when we already have 5 beautiful healthy children. I called the fertility specialist and they want $280 to just talk with us on an intial visit. If money were no object, I wouldn't hesitate. However, that is not my reality. I just feel so unresolved about all of this. I will keep praying.

And, the surgeon says ...

I went to see the surgeon today after a weekend of severe pain. I think all the pushing and prodding that the dr did must have caused the pain, perhaps it ruptured something. The pain and tenderness seems to have decreased a lot now.

The surgeon was a very nice man. I suspect he doesn't generally get to meet with happy people as he seemed quite surprised by my pleasant attitude.

He also thinks it's an incisional hernia and has ordered a CT scan.

I spent a lot of time praying during the days between the appointment with Dr. Shows and with the Surgeon. The weekend was filled with a lot of severe pain. I think all the pushing and prodding that the dr did must have caused the pain, perhaps it ruptured something. By that Tuesday morning, the pain and tenderness seemed to have decreased a lot.

The surgeon was a very nice man. I suspect he doesn't generally get to meet with happy people as he seemed quite surprised by my pleasant attitude. He also thought I had an incisional hernia and ordered a CT scan to confirm it.

When the CT test results came back, however, it was not an incisional hernia. Instead they found that my uterus had an enlarged and fibrous appearance, which is consistent with having had 5 children. Dr Shows felt there was no need to treat the hydrosalpinx. I'm still not sure if this was due to the lack of treatments, or the lack of interest in the situation.

I really enjoyed Dr. Shows however she was expecting her first baby and just didn't seem to be at the top of her game. I knew that I needed the guidance of a medical professional, but I didn't feel like I was even getting her attention. It was disappointing as Dr Shows had been so helpful previously in diagnosing my Lupus.

Dr. Shows confirmed again that there was nothing her office could do for us as far as having another child. She felt like we'd just be wasting our time with any type of attempt to get pregnant. She also expressed concerned that if I used IVF to get pregnant that I could have a pregnancy with multiples. She was not sure that my uterus could handle a pregnancy with more than 1 child.

I still felt very confused. I did not have an answer to why I had such tenderness on the left side. Additionally, it sure didn't makes sense for us to spend $15,000 (or more) on a CHANCE of getting pregnant when we already have 5 beautiful healthy children.

I felt however that I needed to explore all avenues. So, I called the fertility specialist and they wanted $280 to just talk with us on an intial visit. If money were no object, I wouldn't have hesitated. However, that is not our reality. Money is an object.

I felt so unresolved about all of this and so I kept praying.

The bad news has been confirmed

Today I saw the dr for a follow up to the ultrasound. She confirmed that with hydrosalpinx my only hope for getting pregnant would be to have the assistance of a fertility specialists. She gave me the name of a dr whose office is within a mile from my home.

She also pushed and prodded on the lump. It hurt. She thinks it might be a hernia and has recommended that I see a surgeon. I suppose we'll see what he says.

I still don't understand why Dwight and I both have received the personal revelation that we are to have one more child. I know that adoption is always an option. It just doesn't seem to be the answer. I will keep praying about this. I need to understand why it's changed.

NEVER again?? ..... But .... there's one more.

Today I had an ultrasound done. While I was laying on the table, the ultrasound tech said that both of my tubes were filled with fluid, a condition called "Hydrosalpinx". Then she said, "You won't have any more children without doing IVF."

WHAT? I suppose she assumed that because I have 5 children that she could just drop this news on me without softening it any way. It's really come as a HUGE shock and a great disappointment. We have been trying to conceive #6 as we KNOW .... or at least thought we knew ... that there is one more child to come to our family.

Now what?

Happy Days

Today was an amazing day! I was able to go through the Louisville Kentucky Temple with my sister. (I'm so proud of you, sis!) It was a sweet experience! And to make it even better ... my parents, Aunt Della, Aunt Anita, Uncle Leslie, Aunt Jamie, and Uncle Edward (pronounced Eddard) were all there!

And, after our Temple session, Mom and Dad Mann who just happened to be in Louisville for a meeting, met us and we were able to visit over lunch.

Here's a picture they took ...

What is this lump?

I went to the dr's today because I have a lump on the lower left side of my abdomen. It's very tender and has been there since baby #5. I had assumed that it was due to just not being stitched up evenly after the last c-section. However, it seems to be growing and has become very tender.

The dr was unavailable and so I saw the nurse practitioner. She felt it and said it just appeared to be a split abdominal muscle. However, since I'm tender from the left side to the middle she ordered an ultrasound for when we return from visiting my family.

I had noticed a lump on my lower left side. At first, it was a vain thing for me. I just didn't like that the lump prevented me from having a nice flat tummy. I had assumed that it was due to just not being stitched up evenly after the 4th c-section. It had been there since shortly after Deborah's delivery, but sometime in the late summer of '07 it had started to become very tender at times and it seemed to be growing.

Unfortunately, Dr. Shows was unavailable and so I saw the Nurse Practitioner. I've never been fond of seeing Nurse Practitioners. It's nothing personal. It has just always been my experience that they examine me and then require me to come in again to see the doctor. If I had known I'd only be seen by the NP, I would have waited.

She looked at the lump, felt it and said it just appeared to be a split abdominal muscle. However, since I was tender from the left side to the middle she ordered an ultrasound. Unfortunately, they couldn't get me in for an ultrasound until after I returned from my planned trip to Indiana.

After a wonderful trip and a great experience at the Louisville Temple with my sister, parents, aunts and uncles, the time finally rolled around for my ultrasound. On Wednesday, October 24, 2007, I had an ultrasound done at Dr Show's office.

The Ultrasound technician did an intravaginal ultrasound. OUCH! While I was laying on the table, the ultrasound tech said that both of my tubes were filled with fluid, a condition called "Hydrosalpinx". Then she said, "You won't have any more children without doing IVF."

WHAT? I suppose she assumed that because I have 5 children that she could just drop this news on me without softening it any way. But it really came as a HUGE shock and a great disappointment. We had been trying to conceive #6 as we KNEW .... or at least thought we knew ... that there was one more child to come to our family.

On Thursday, October 25th, I saw Dr. Shows to review the tests results. She confirmed that with hydrosalpinx my only hope for getting pregnant would be to have the assistance of a fertility specialists. She gave me the name of a dr whose office is within a mile from my home.

She also pushed and prodded on the lump. It hurt. She thought it might be a hernia and recommended that I see a surgeon.

After leaving her office, I felt very confused. Why did Dwight and I both receive the personal revelation that we were to have one more child if that was not an option? The thought came that perhaps we needed to adopt, but it really just didn't seem to be the answer. I decided I would continue to pray about it as I needed to understand whether we had misunderstood the personal revelation, or if something had changed, or if the Lord just had something special in mind for our family.

Trip to Indiana

In March the kids and I went to Indiana to visit my family for 3 weeks. A week after we got there, we received a call to let us know that my Aunt Glaydell was in the hospital and wasn’t expected to survive the weekend. Since both of my parents come from large families, it is not an unusual occurrence to visit relatives in the hospital or to attend funerals. However, this one had a twist. I haven’t seen Glaydell in 21 years. Let me give you a little background….

Glaydell was married to my Uncle Warner. (I have a hard time using the title Uncle for him, but to simplify the explanation, I’ll call him my Uncle.) Warner did many horrific things to his family and to others. He was eventually convicted of several counts of child molestation and several counts of rape. He has been in a maximum security prison for the past 20 years or so. I was a witness to and a victim of some of these horrific acts as well as others.

So, when the call came, I had very mixed feelings about the news. Since my mother certainly didn’t want to go to the hospital, I decided to go with my Dad so that he wouldn’t have to go alone. I wasn’t sure how I would feel seeing Glaydell or her children who were sure to be there. I have some pretty bad memories of Glaydell and of a few of the other children. In fact, I only have 1 or 2 memories of anything pleasant regarding their family. I'm not sure that was always the case. I suspect that many of my negative feelings developed over the years as I distanced myself from their family. Anyway ...

As we walked into the room at the hospital, it was a very sad scene. Two of her daughters were sitting at her bedside holding her hands. Glaydell seemed to be completely unaware of things going on around her, or at least unable to react. One of her daughters stood up beside her and told her that my Dad and I were there to see her. The daughter invited us, “Come up. She likes to have her hand held.” My Dad went up to say Hi, but I could not bring myself to speak or to touch her.

As we sat in the ICU room and my Dad spoke to the daughters, my vision of these 3 women changed. I no longer saw the people who were involved in my most painful childhood memories. My eyes were opened to see them as children of God who were trying desperately to deal with their own struggles and traumas in their lives.

I left the hospital that night feeling blessed that Heavenly Father had helped me so much in my life.

The next day, my Dad had been asked to go to their home to help with the funeral arrangements. Again, not wanting my father to go alone, I offered to go with him. The thought of this visit made me even more uncomfortable. They still lived in the same house where all of the atrocities had occurred. I wasn’t sure what to expect. Would I experience a flood of memories? Would I feel like the little girl who was scared and hurt again? Would I want to run away?

As we walked up to the house, I recalled the trailer that sat in the driveway for years. And, I recalled the door with all the cigarette butts surrounding it. Both of these were gone, and in their place sat a porch swing and a flower bed.

When we entered the home, it was still very cluttered and messy, but it no longer had the same stench or wicked spirit about it. As we talked with the daughters of the funeral plans, in walked a man named Jim.

Jim was one of my Uncle’s older children. And, I had really lumped him in with his father as the scum of the earth. Again, I have not seen this person in 20+ years, but he immediately recognized me. I put out my hand to shake his hand, but he hugged me. I felt very awkward with the hug. But, very quickly the same feeling that had come over me at the hospital happened again with Jim.

For what I suspect was the first time, I saw Jim as a child of God. I became very aware that Heavenly Father knew him by name, was aware of all the things he had experienced in his life, and was aware of all that was in his heart. I became very aware that Heavenly Father wanted Jim to return to Him as much as He wants me to return to Him.

Then as we were leaving Jim and one of the daughters were walking us out to our car. We stood in the driveway talking for a few minutes of their father’s upcoming release from prison. In the course of the conversation, Jim’s eyes looked far away from us, as he said, “No one knows of the beatings I took trying to protect others.” My heart felt like it would burst. Did he take a beating to protect me? The comment certainly wasn’t made to me or said to make anyone feel anything. Yet in that moment, I felt a real debt of gratitude to him. And, then my mind went to the Atonement.

James Faust, a member of the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints said, "The overwhelming message of the Atonement is the perfect love the Savior has for each and all of us. It is a love which is full of mercy, patience, grace, equity, long-suffering, and, above all, forgiving. Some injuries are so hurtful and deep that they cannot be healed without help from a higher power and hope for perfect justice and restitution in the next life. Since the Savior has suffered anything and everything that we could ever feel or experience, He can help the weak to become stronger. He has personally experienced all of it. He understands our pain and will walk with us even in our darkest hours."

I know that it is truly through the Atonement that we can be healed from our deepest hurts. I am overwhelmed and in awe of His love for me, and for Jim, and for Glaydell, and for each and every one of us. He truly loves us and will walk with us even in our darkest hours.

Jacob's Kindergarden School Year - Part 3

Jacob's Kindergarden School Year - Part 2

Jacob's Kindergarden School Year

A Portrait of David by Jessica

Pictures from 2003

David took speech lessons at a Plano elementary school. Mrs Richardson was a very sweet teacher.

One of the kids' favorite places to go was Chuck E Cheese. We had lots of fun days there!

This is one of David's self-portraits.

Sweet Siblings

This is a cute little Valentine's Day card that Jessica gave David. She also made one for Johnathon & Jacob. I just can't find them.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Merry Christmas!