I found this note written on an envelope in my room. I'm sure I made it from a talk that I heard, but I don't remember who the speaker was or when it was made. I think it's wise counsel and don't want to forget it.

"Pray for the ability to see your children's needs before they become big problems. Ask for specific insight on each child's concerns. Ask for ways to guide them in the paths of truth and righteousness. Ask for methods to help your children fulfill their destiny and He will show the way."

In honor of...

National Taco Day!

Did you know that today is National Taco Day? It is.

To honor this special occasion we had tacos for dinner, of course. What else would you have on National Taco Day?

David also wrote this very special little poem, and repeated it dozens and dozens of times during dinner.

There once was a boy named Paco,
And for each and every meal
He ate a taco.
'Til one day,
He went crazy,
He went home to be lazy,
And that was
The last of poor Paco.

Please tell me why.

I don't always agree with everything or see the necessity for things, but I can usually see why others might think it's a good idea. But, I went shopping for a homecoming dress with Jessica the other day. While I was waiting, I saw this pretty black dress. I don't usually shop at that particular store, but I thought, "Oh, I'll try it on."

After selecting my size, I went into the dressing room and slipped the dress on. It was a very pretty dress ... but ... wait ... what? what is this? What???


Can someone PLEASE explain to me WHAT this is? It was almost like a pocket, but it went all the way through. It laid flat, unless I took a step and then it did this weir puckering thing where you could see through to the other side. Is it a hand warmer?

I know I'm not a fasionista, but seriously, what's up with this?

The Perfect Fall Day

Today was it! The perfect fall day. The air was cool and crisp; yet, the sun was shining brightly. It was perfect! David, Deborah, Johnathon & I took advantage of the day by going to the playground. Actually 2 playgrounds. :)

The Promised Update

The air conditioner was fixed just in time for me to shower and leave for my Oncologist appointment. So, the promised update...

The Cancer is once again behaving itself poorly and I'm symptomatic. The good news is that Friday's scheduled maintenance treatment has been put on hold. Instead I am headed to MD Anderson in Houston in just a couple of weeks to meet with a Doctor who specializes in my specific type of Lymphoma. It seems they will re-biopsy and re-scan me from head to toe. I don't really have much more information to share with you.

There have been several neat experiences that have led to this event of scheduling the appointment at MD Anderson. Although I have seen the Lord's hand in my life so many, many times, I still stand in awe each and every time. I amazed at the symphony of events that have recently taken place and at the faithfulness of each person who has played their part so beautifully, responding to quiet whispers with perfect timing. I thank you for your prayers and for your faithfulness! Keep the faith!

An update is past due. I know. I will get to one soon. I'm on my way to the Oncologist and will give you a report when I get home. I'm really not ignoring the blog. It's just an unusually busy week. In addition to the usual craziness, I'm also in the process of working my way through two 8-inch stacks of paper work, trying to ignore another 4-inch stack of paper work, and preparing a talk for Sunday's church meeting. I have a bunch of pictures that I want to share with you, a ton of thoughts, a few questions, one movie moment, a humbling moment, and a few sweet experiences that I'd love to share with you.

And, all very soon. First, let me get my kids and myself dressed for the day (3 down only 4 to go), the air conditioner fixed, and home from my Oncologist appointment. It won't be long.

Today is Deborah's 4th birthday.
I said, "How old are you?"
She said, "Almost 5!"

You have to take the best

from whatever the situation is
and go on.
~Jimmy Buffett

Silly Girl

Deborah found this hat at Target today and wore it the whole time we were there, and made silly little faces as she looked at other shoppers. It's a good thing she's so dang cute!

Want to know what my all time favorite movie is? It's The Gnome Mobile.

Wanna know why?

Well, it's cause when I was a kid, I wanted to be a gnome. No kidding. I wanted to be a real live gnome. I thought it would be so cool! I could imagine myself sitting in school, and in church, and riding a puppy dog, and sitting on top of my grandpa's cap, or on my dad's shoulder. Yea. I really thought it'd be pretty great.

So even still when I see The Gnome Mobile (and yes, I have watched it again in the last year, and yes, I joyfully sing along with the songs) I still think it'd be pretty cool to be a gnome. But, anyway ... all this just to tell you that the other day I was on Facebook and I saw this picture of my cousins. I immediately loved it! It not only makes me happy because it's fun to see my cousins, but it also makes me happy because the man in the picture reminds me of one of the characters in The Gnome Mobile, which quite frankly might be one of the highest compliments I could pay to anyone.


"In the gnome mobile, in the gnome mobile. Rolling along in the gnome mobile. Oh, what a wonderful way to feel! Rolling along in the gnome mobile!"

Jacob's First Day of School

Have you heard the news? After much consideration and prayer, we made the decision to have Jacob attended public school. In case you don't know, I've always home schooled (other than 1 semester of Kindergarten). We decided to do this because I've been just a little busy lately. Jacob has always wanted to attend school and we know that he will do well there. So, we decided that it made sense to let him go.

I don't know who was more nervous, me or Jacob. Oh, wait. Yes, I do. Me! Definitely, Me! I don't think 5 minutes went by from the time I left the school until I saw him get off the bus that I didn't think about him. I would have liked to have attended his classes with him for his first day, but I suppose that might have been a bit awkward for him.


I was quite happy to hear that things went well.

I am so tired today. I feel like I can barely keep my eyes open.

There are worse things than Cancer.

A few weeks ago I was talking with a good friend of mine. A wise friend of mine. She said, "There are worse things than Cancer." I've thought a lot about her statement.

I could quickly agree that many things are worse than my cancer. But then I thought of a sweet friend whose husband is battling cancer. I'm not sure that many things are worse than his cancer. And, I thought of another friend whose husband is battling cancer. Oh, what a tough battle. I started to think about other trials that my friends, family or I have faced.

Having a child with a terminal illness.
Loss of a home to a fire.
Being disowned by your family.
Being betrayed by a friend.
Being betrayed by a spouse.
Years of unemployment.
Physical abuse from a spouse.
Mental illness.
Emotional abuse from a loved one.
Having a child with special needs.
Losing a spouse.
Going through an unexpected divorce.
Watching a loved one struggle with an addiction.

What makes a trial hard? What makes some things feel so much harder than other things?

As I thought about the trials in my life, I tried to identify what has made some trials seem easier to bear than others. I wondered if it was the trial itself. Is it harder to survive Cancer than to survive sexual abuse? Is it harder to have a child with special needs than to ... well, you get the idea. But, then I started to think about what helps/helped me to survive the tough things in my life. And, what makes some things really hard.

That's when it hit me: *Secrets make things hard.*

At first I wondered if there is some kind of power that a secret has that makes it really hard, but then I realized, Hello. It's that when I'm keeping it a secret, I'm carrying the burden all by myself. But, when I share it, then others help me to bear the burden. When we bear one another's burdens, our burdens are made light.

At times it is not possible to blog about our struggles. At times our struggles are so personal that we cannot share them openly with friends or family. I think those are the struggles that are worse than Cancer.

I hope you are not there.

Neurologist Update

Today we went to visit Ryan's neurologist. It was nice to see Dr. Seals, as always, and it only took about 2 hours total. :)

We went with 2 primary concerns. First, Ryan is having at least 15 to 25 seizures each day. Second, I wanted to discuss getting a suctioning machine for Ryan.

The seizures have been steadily increasing. It is a constant struggle to keep his meds at the right level, especially since Ryan is still at the age when he's constantly growing (thankfully). It's also possible that the Texas heat is contributing to the increase in seizures. Unfortunately, the air conditioners at home do not seem to be able to beat the Texas heat and humidity. We're going to keep him on the same meds, but we're going increase his Lamictal over the next couple of weeks. Then we'll have his blood levels checked at the end of the month.

{{Ugh. I really dislike that we have to check his blood levels. The poor little guy is such a hard stick. I know we must do it to take good care of him, but it's heart wrenching to hold him while they dig for veins.}}

The other issue ... Ryan's choking. Ryan chokes daily. Multiple times each day. Most days he can clear it himself. We just help him set up and encourage him. However, about once ever 3 or 4 days, he has a severe choking episode that causes him to turn dark red ... or light grey. It's a horrible thing to watch. I feel so helpless watching. So inept. I live in fear of a day when he won't be able to clear it for himself. So, today I asked the doctor to write the orders for a suctioning machine.

That's when the doctor's visit become one of those moments.

Those moments. I've had a few of those moments during the past 2 years. Moments when you realized that life isn't what you thought it would be. Moments when you have to face reality.

One such moment was when we got Ryan's wheelchair. The reality was that Ryan really needed a wheelchair.

Another moment was when I first took Ryan to church in a wheelchair. The reality was confirmed. Ryan is disabled.

Another moment was when I first saw my port in the mirror. I really had cancer.

This is another one of those moments. We need a suctioning machine. The reality is that Ryan might not be able to clear his own saliva. It sucks (haha ... didn't really intend that pun, but oh, well ... haha). It really sucks that my sweet little Ryan struggles so much.

BUT ... on the bright side, I would be fit and well read if I worked as hard at my goals as Ryan works at everything he does. He is truly an inspiration. And, while it stinks to need a suctioning machine, I am very thankful that the technology exists, and I pray that we will never need it.

Remembering 9/11

It's hard to believe that so many years have passed.

On that dreadful day, we lived in Allen, TX in a beautiful red brick home in a quiet suburban neighborhood. I was sitting on the couch folding clothes while watching a children's show with Jessica, Jacob and David. They were so little then. Jessica was 6. Jacob was 4 and David was almost 3 years old.

They interrupted the children's television show with the news that a plane had hit one of the World Trade Centers. At first it seemed to be an accident, but within moments there were confusing reports of other planes hitting other buildings. The pentagon included. I had a friend who worked in the Pentagon. His father worked there also. There was also a report of a plane going down in a field. It was all so confusing.

Then we watched on live tv as another plane came into view on the screen. I remember feeling so helpless as I realized the plane was headed for the towers. There was no doubt at this point that it was intentional. America was under attack.

I remember watching bodies dropping from high up and the sound of them landing on an awning. I remember the mass confusion on the ground.

For some reason, Dwight was home that day. His company had an office near there and I was so thankful that he was home. I woke Dwight up to see the news, but I was in such shock that it didn't even occur to me to have the kids go out of the room.

I remember how quiet the world seemed for a while. I was scared to take the kids out to the mall or to the parks. I remember watching the tv for hours as they reported on people looking for family members. I remember feeling so sad.

I wish it had never happened. I cannot imagine the sense of loss that so many families feel from such a senseless tragedy.

Did the perpetrators realize that Americans would become stronger because of their attack? Did they know that we would forever remember that day? Did they anticipate that it would awaken so many sleeping Americans to the need to protect our country, to fight for our freedoms, to pray, to be thankful, to honor one another?

I love the surge of American pride that followed, the surge of gratitude for those who keep us safe, and the surge of prayers that took place. I hope as we remember today that we still remember to pray, to be thankful and to be proud of righteous freedoms.

May God bless each and every one of us. May He watch over and protect those men and women worldwide who sacrifice so much so that we can enjoy so many things, and may their families feel His loving arms around them.

And, may each of us thank and honor them for their selfless service.

Seriously???

Enough with the scary experiences this week. I hesitate to even put this picture here, because I really don't ever want to ever see it again. But here it is...

Can you see it?

If you know me well, you may have some idea of how I'm feeling today. I'm trying to deal well with this, but it just feels like the proverbial straw.

Creepy Experience

I went downstairs at 3 am to help Ryan because he was choking. When I was leaving his room, I heard this really creepy whisper-y voice saying "Mom", slowly, over and over. It didn't sound like *any* of my children. I couldn't even tell where the sound was coming from -- maybe inside the *locked* closet??

Then in the darkness, a hand touched my thigh. I almost peed my pants!

Deborah is lucky she didn't get hit out of pure reflex. What the heck was she doing downstairs at 3 am and why did her sweet little voice sound *SO* creepy?

Ryan's Little Ears

Ryan had tubes put in his ears today. He also had the Brainstem Auditory Evoked Response test done. Isn't that a scary sounding name for a hearing test?

The tubes were inserted without any problems. There was a little bit of mucousy stuff on the right side, but the left ear was completely clear.

As for the BAER test, well, it showed that he has hearing loss. He is 60/70 and the normal range is 35-40. He also has delayed processing. That didn't surprise me. But, I did feel surprised by the hearing loss. Thankfully, it's very treatable. In a few weeks we'll go for a hearing aide evaluation.

The other thing that was stated was that Ryan's overall brain waves were "odd." I have requested a copy of the EEG readout so that I can share it with Ryan's neurologist. It'll be interesting to hear what he has to say about it.

The really great thing about today was that Ryan had NO problems with the anesthesia. What a relief! And, now he's lying next to me in his Nap Nanny just chattering away. Geesh, I love this kid!

A Dream

I didn't want to wake up this morning. I was having such a great dream.

Dwight and I were in a large flat-style apartment. Deborah and Ryan were the only 2 children we had with us. I think Ryan was probably 7-9 years old and Deborah was probably 11-13 years old. Dwight and I were just waking up when we noticed Deborah and Ryan in the room with us. We quietly watched as Deborah continued to teach Ryan to walk.

A little later in the dream, we all walked behind Ryan as he walked into the chapel. No one (including Dwight and I) knew that he was so close to walking. Our friends at church shared in our joy and there weren't many dry eyes that morning.

I hope I never forget this dream.

Just a quick update .... I slept well last night. Today I'm a little tired still, but otherwise feel well.