Quote for Today

"Complete understanding is not required;
however, waiting on the Lord
and
exercising faith in Him
are absolutely necessary."

~ Kristen Warner Belcher, Hard Times and Holy Places

Hard Times and Holy Places

I'm reading a book by Kristin Warner Belcher called "Hard Times and Holy Places." I suppose the title of the book, and maybe the title of my post, might make you wonder if I'm searching for answers. I am having some hard times. Aren't we all?

Nothing new. Just dealing with old demons. What are old demons? If there were a Tina Dictionary, the definition of old demons would read: challenges, struggles, or trials previously thought to have been conquered, mastered, or demolished that have resurfaced.

My Mom gave me this book while I was dealing with Cancer. I just finished reading several other books that I've been working on for a while and after listening to Kris Belcher speak at Time Out for Women in San Antonio I was really anxious to start this book.

I normally underline all the great stuff in a book and later write a short report on the book. (I poached the book report idea from my brilliant friend, Ali.) But, in writing my report on "A Disciple's Life" I discovered that I lost some of my initial reactions. So guess what ... I think I'll blog about the books more as I read them.

So, today as I was reading ...

The Chapter is titled, "Choosing Christ." Kris talks about turning to Christ during trials and how it makes a big difference in whether the trials are just really hard times or whether they are holy times. I found that to be really true during my battle with Cancer. I think that is also much of what I struggle with in the mundane of life.

It is so much easier to keep focused on Christ during really, really tough times. Maybe I'm the only one who finds that to be true. I don't think so, but maybe. I'm working on it though. I'm working on being more faithful at all times because I know it makes a difference at all times.

During the Cancer days it was so easy to stay focused on the things of eternity. They were really the only things that mattered at the time. Not only did other things not really matter, I could not physically tend to much else. I didn't have the energy to worry about whether or not my toilet was cleaned. I didn't have the energy to worry about whether or not piles of paper that needed to be filed were 10 inches high or 10 feet high. I knew that I had to stick to the list of priorities: strengthening myself spiritually, my family, service.

So, why is it that when struggling with the mundane tasks of daily life ... the non-Cancer life ... why do I try to do it another way?

Kris also shares a scripture 2 Nephi 32:9: "But behold, I say unto you that ye must pray always, and not faint; that ye must not perform any thing unto the Lord save in the first place ye shall pray unto the Father in the name of Christ, that he will consecrate thy performance unto thee, that thy performance may be for the welfare of thy soul."

I have recently had some very neat experiences with consecrating my performances to the Lord. They are very special to me. I can tell you it works. It really works! I have applied this idea to serving in various ways. I had not thought of applying it to trials and old demons. It seems so obvious, doesn't it? Thanks, Kris, for pointing that out in your gentle way.

I can't wait to experiment on His word. I know from past experiences with my Heavenly Father and with the Savior that they always keep Their word, and that prayer always seems to be the best place to start.

I hope that whatever hard times you are facing whether new or old, that you will find peace today.

A little good news

I went to see the dermatologist today for the results of a recent minor biopsy. I had a persistent spot on my face ... in fact, it was the spot that got me into this whole mess. It has been diagnosed as a "precancerous spot" and nothing to worry about, but has been resistant to every type of treatment. Six weeks ago they did a quick biopsy, then froze it off, and I've been treating it twice a day with a topical ointment. The doctor was concerned that perhaps it was a T-cell cancer. Apparently, it is not uncommon for my type of cancer (which is a B-cell cancer) to coexist or to morph into a T-cell cancer. But the good news is today I found out that it is just simply nothing to worry about.

Isn't that wonderful news?!

They said it was a matter of "when" not "if" Ryan's Mic-Key button would come out. Well, tonight was the when. I got it back in at least as far as I can tell it seems to be in the right place. His tube feeding seems to be going okay. So, I'm assuming it's in the right position.

I guess I can mark that off my list of things I fear doing...

Something to think about...

"We should live the gospel most fully among family and friends because they are the "clinical material" God gave us for practicing our Christianity." ("A Disciple's Life: The Biography of Neal A. Maxwell" by Bruce C. Hafen.)

Isn't that a great concept?

Lately I have been feeling very overwhelmed and exhausted. My load hasn't really changed. I'm not getting any more or less rest. So, why?

Today I was reading and pondering and I think I found my answer: It's Martha-like anxiety.

You probably remember the story in Luke 10:40-43.

Perhaps my mother should have named me Martha. I am a born Martha. I'm good at being Martha. I love tasks. I love lists. I love working. I love accomplishing things.

But...

Even more ...

I love the peace that comes when I sit with the scriptures and I read. I love the peace that comes when I attend to spiritual things. I love the peace that I feel when I ponder on spiritual things. I love the peace that comes when I pray ... I mean really pray ... not just quick, short on my way out the door prayers. I love the peace that I feel when I feast on the teachings of the Savior.

I want to be a Mary.

Ups and Downs of Life

Up: Ryan has been making lots of new sounds during the past few days. It's fun to hear him experimenting with so many different noises. It makes my heart feel glad!

Down: Today I received the bill for all the tests that were done at MD Anderson during the last round of Cancer check ups. Two grand. Ugh. Can I just skip the next round of testing?

Prepared from my Youth

Today when I came home, Ryan was upset that I had been gone for what he apparently thought was too long. I had my hands full and also needed to wash my hands as I had been at the store picking up prescriptions. He expressed his frustrations as he waited very impatiently for me. He wanted my undivided attention.

As quickly as I could, I scooped him up into my arms and gave him kisses and told him of my love for him. As I watched his mannerisms, he reminded me of my Uncle Jr. I don't think I've ever told you about Uncle Jr, which is surprising cause he's one of my all-time favorite people.

It's difficult to speak of Uncle Jr without saying "Aunt Kate-Kate and Uncle Jr." I never can remember exactly how they are related to me, but what I do know is that "uncle" is not really the proper title. It's a title that in my mind fits because I love him so much.

As a little girl I was also very confused as to the relationship between Aunt Kate Kate and Uncle Jr. After all, if she was Aunt and he was Uncle, it would make sense that they were married, right? Wrong. They weren't married. I knew that. But, he was a grown man. So in my mind it really didn't make sense to me that he was her son. I think I was in my teens before I started to understand that Uncle Jr was Aunt Kate Kate's son.

He was just my Uncle Jr. I don't remember seeing a crippled man. I don't remember thinking of him as someone with a disability. I just remember always being really excited to see him. I loved the way he said Teeeennnnna, and I especially loved the way he crushed me when he hugged me. It was wonderful! I couldn't always understand him, but I knew from the sparkle in his eyes that he was excited to see me and that he was excited to tell me something. And, I was equally excited to hear what he had to say.

Perhaps when Jr was Ryan's age, he might have been healthy. I don't know. At some point, he had Polio and it took his health and it changed him. It changed him into the man that I knew and loved.

Before today, I recognized events and people that the Lord has placed in my life during the past few years to prepare me for Ryan joining our family. As I thought about Uncle Jr today, I felt that perhaps the preparations had started long before now, perhaps even while I was in my youth.

I was so blessed to know Uncle Jr. I will never forget his hugs, or the way his eyes would sparkle when he'd see me. Most of all I will never forget the way he'd say my name. No one else will ever say my name quite the same again.

Tonight's Conversation with Deborah...

This was the conversation that followed me noticing a little black bead in Deborah's mouth as I was tucking her into bed for the night:

Me: Please don't put things like that in your mouth.
Deborah: Why?
Me: Because you could choke on them.
Deborah: Could I choke on chicken?
Me: {{{ pause }}} Yes, dear, I suppose you could choke on chicken also.
Deborah: Ha, ha. That's funny!

What I wish I had said...

Do you ever have those moments that you look back on and wish you had said something different? Maybe sometimes the words used conveyed the wrong meaning. Maybe sometimes the words weren't said at all. Or, have you ever "put your foot in your mouth?" Or just a missed opportunity.

Here's my story ...

A friend at the dentist office asked me if the reason I don't drink caffeinated drinks is for religious reasons. I said, "No, it's really a decision I made based on my health." While my answer is true, it's only partly true. What I wish I had said is:

I don't drink caffeinated sodas because after years of health issues, I started praying for help from God. I needed to feel better. I needed to have energy to raise my children. I was sleeping 4 hours a day in middle of the day, and if I didn't rest, I sounded drunk because I was too tired to form my words. One day, God told me as an answer to my prayers that if I would quit drinking caffeinated sodas I would find answers and have more energy. Because of past experiences with God, I believed that if I did what He asked me to do, He would do His part. And, He has. He always does.

Tonight Ryan was sitting on the bed so big and strong with very little support. I tried to grab the camera and just as I was ready to snap the camera, he pushed back and laid down. Oh, really? I missed it.

So, I tried to sit him up again and he squawked at me. I finally convinced him to sit up for just one pick picture. "Please, Ryan, let Mommy take just one picture." So, he complied. So big and strong...
As soon as I took the picture I said, "Oh, I got it." And, since Ryan obviously felt he had fulfilled his obligation, he immediately pushed back and laid down.

Thank you, Ryan. I know it's a lot of work. I'm so proud of you for being so strong!

Tonight I took Jacob to buy new shoes. He needed them. Desperately. His big toe was rubbing the ground. I'm thankful for a young man whose only concern was whether or not I could afford to buy him a new pair of shoes.

As we were driving home the HOT donuts light was on at Krispy Kreme. Of course, I did what any good mother of a growing teenage boy would do. I stopped immediately to go in to get our free hot donut. (Did you know that my favorite Krispy Kreme is actually the original glazed donut?)

While we were there the lady asked if we would like to donate $1 to the Komen foundation for Breast Cancer. I said I would donate a $1. Then Jacob asked if I would take a dollar out of his account to donate also. They gave us a sheet to write a message or our name. On Jacob's sheet, he simply wrote, "No more cancer."

I love that boy.

David's Stand Up Debut

For those of you who couldn't join us at the LOL Comedy Club tonight, here's David...

Updates...

I have several updates that I wrote while I was on the road that I haven't posted yet. I didn't realize that I hadn't sent them to the blog. I'll get that done this week. But, in case you haven't heard the great news...

the doctors at MD Anderson found no new spots of Cancer. The tiny spots on my neck are still there, but they haven't changed in size ... still just 3 spots that are about 2 millimeters each. Nothing of concern at all. So we are calling it a remission still. Yeah! The numerous biopsies they took of my GI system had raised some suspicions; however, it just appears that the Cancer was originally in my stomach.

What's good about that is that it appears the primary source of the Cancer would have been the stomach, which means I'm less likely to relapse soon. Therefore, I don't need to go back for check ups every 3 months as originally planned. The doctor said he'll see me in 6 months. YEAH! As long as I don't have any new lumps and as long as I don't become symptomatic again, then I just get to kick back and be "Cancer Free" for 6 months.

Also, on the good news front ...

We received test results back from Ryan's Metabolic Geneticist. Remember they were rechecking some of his tests ... zinc, thyroid, protein levels. Well, they all came back in normal ranges. This is good news; however, if I'm being honest, I have some mixed feelings about this news.

The mixed feelings just come from a place of wishing there were an easy fix for everything. I guess it would have been nice to have learned that he had a zinc deficiency and simply giving him x amount of zinc would resolve everything.

I definitely accept Ryan as he is and will always love him and cherish the blessings that come with his challenges. But, there is a part of me that longs for an "easy" fix.

I suspect any Mom would.

GI Testing Done

I returned home today from MD Anderson. The trip went well. The hotel was absolutely beautiful. (Thanks for sharing your loyalty points, sweetheart!) And, the people were very kind as always.

The IV was a little cantankerous ... but just a little this time. The nurse thought she hit the vein on the first stick, but then after she started the IV drip the area was burning and stinging really badly. At first I just tried to deal with it, but I realized it needed to be pulled when I started to develop a large hard lump on my arm. The 2nd attempt was very smooth. Thankfully. No stinging. No burning. No weird lumps. Whew.

The Endoscopy center was running a few hours behind schedule. Several of my fellow patients were very grumpy. I can't blame them. It's not fun to be starving and dreading a test. I think that's why Dr. Miller seemed so surprised that I was still cheerful when he came into talk with me. But, Dr Miller, the nurses & I had fun prepping for the test.

Once they started the meds, I really don't remember much else, except someone saying something about a pressure bag and someone asking the nurse to give me more meds. The next thing I remember is when I met my escort nurse, Dayo. Since I had been sedated the hospital requires that an adult escort me home. Dayo escorted me back to the hotel. She was very kind and took good care of me.

The report paperwork shows 19 biopsies of the GI area. I didn't sleep very well last night. Weird dreams and just very restless. I left the hospital at 4.30 this morning. I thought I might just rest better at home. I'm surprised by how sore I am tonight. I feel like I have a lead weight in my gut, and my throat is incredibly sore. It feels a bit swollen ... not like a sore throat though. Just weird. I'm pretty sure this will all go away with a good night of sleep, and that is exactly what I'm planning to do now.

Thank you for all your love and support. I appreciate the notes, emails & calls. (And, no, my dear friend, I don't mind you asking me. I'd repeat it anytime for you.) And, as always, an extra special thanks for all your prayers!

PS I almost forgot to say ... results should be back by next Wednesday.

It's that time again...

It's that time again for my 3-month follow up visit to check and see what the status of my cancer is. I've had the appointments scheduled for a while now, but I guess I've been in a bit of denial. I hadn't made all of the other arrangements until just recently.

I had planned on driving down with a friend on the morning of the tests and returning the same evening, but due to details those plans had to change. So yesterday morning I was busy finalizing some of the details of the plans. The reality of "every 3 months for TWO years" hit hard. I'll admit that I was a bit teary eyed by the end and was even feeling a wee bit sorry for myself.

If you've been reading my blog for long, you probably already know that I'm really not good at endurance events. I'm much better at the sprinting stuff, and yet I know that one of the lessons I'm to learn in "all this" is to endure well.

And, just like with all things ... for every trial there's a blessing, right? So ... where's the blessing?

Yesterday afternoon one of my very favorite people came over to visit. We were talking about my upcoming 3 month checkup and she shared with me some personal things and some personal views. And, I think I'll adopt them! Maybe you'll want to also.

Every 3 months for me ... maybe for you, it will be every year during your annual exam ... I will go for my cancer checkups expecting a clean bill health and feeling and expressing gratitude for the answers. I won't stress about it, or feel sad or overwhelmed about it. I'm just going to think of it as an opportunity to be thankful.

Aren't we blessed to live in this day?

It really is interesting how just that simple conversation with my friend was enough to turn my thoughts from feeling completely overwhelmed and burdened by every 3 months for TWO years to really thankful that the doctors are taking such good care of me. It was just the reminder that I needed. I am thankful that my friend took time out of her very busy day yesterday to stop by to visit, and I'm especially thankful that she lives the kind of life that makes her such a great example to me. I hope you all have a friend like her!

PS In case you're wondering I have tests next week and the following week. I should have all the tests results back by March 16th. I'll keep you all posted. I fully anticipate everything will be the same, but will you keep me in your prayers? I can always use the insurance. :)

Please don't let me forget this moment.

I don't even know if I can describe today. I almost hesitate to write about it for fear that it will lose something in the translation, but I don't ever want to forget today. So I'll do my best to share with you one of the coolest moments perhaps in my life. Definitely one of the coolest moments in my life with Ryan.

Today we had therapy with Dee Dee. You might remember that she is Ryan's Occupational Therapy. If you remember that, you might also know that we love Dee Dee. Of course, you probably also remember Nelda, Ryan's nurse, and I'm sure you know that I think Nelda has been a huge blessing.

Today Ryan was working on kneeling next to his little desk/table and pushing on a big vibrating button. He was sure in a good mood! Lots of smiles.

Then Dee Dee suggested some tummy time work. That's not always his favorite thing. It's hard work. But he cooperated with very little fussing. He quickly made it obvious that he wanted to work on crawling. So Dee Dee put him on his hands and knees. She helped him with his knees and I helped him with his hands.

This is where it gets really cool...

He crawled (4 or 5 moves) to me. When he made his way to me, I picked him up to give him big hugs. His legs were really stiff. He had worked his little muscles SO hard. I hugged him tight and put one hand under his shirt to rub his back. He leaned his head against my shoulder and with his hands grasped at my shirt as if to hug me back. We hugged for a moment like that with me support his weight, one hand under his bum and one hand on his back.

THEN he pushed his little head up and his body away from mine and looked right at my face. Right at my face. And he talked to me. Not with words like ours, but with Ryan words. He held his body and his head so strong like any toddler would.

I wish I had a word to describe what I saw and felt.

I think it must have lasted for a full minute. He had a lot to tell me. Perhaps he wanted me to know that he is going to crawl. He is determined. Perhaps he was reminding me to keep the faith. He sure is a strong boy. Whatever he was saying, he was saying with full purpose.

It was one of those moments that I hope is written on my heart, never to be forgotten.

Well, so much for my Valentine's Day roses. She was trying to take off the dry leaves, and it apparently got a little out of hand. But Daddy really got his money's worth! I think she may have enjoyed the roses even more than me. She played with the rose petals for hours today.

Miracles

Today's Sunday School lesson was on Miracles. We are really blessed to have a great Sunday School teacher. I always look forward with great anticipation to his lessons, especially when I have read the lesson. Today was one of those days.

The topic is one that is especially dear to me. I have been blessed with miracles in my life and I have witnessed miracles in the lives of others. The lesson for this week covered Mark 1-2, 4:35-41; 5; Luke 7:11-17.

These verses are some of the best in all of the New Testament. So many miracles. My favorite was actually when he cast the Legions of unclean spirits form the untameable man in Mark 5. I love that story. I wonder how free that man must have felt when he came to his "right mind." And, in my mind, it just seems like such a loving thing for Jesus to do.

Which miracle is your favorite?

Have you seen miracles in your life?

Maybe I should define Miracle.

Miracle. An extraordinary event caused by divine or spiritual power.

This morning I had to drop off one of my son's at church early and so I had a few minutes alone ... a rare event on a Sunday morning for a Mom of 6 kids. As I was driving, I was thinking about the feelings I felt as I thought of the day I found out that the cancer was in remission. I know that modern medicine put me in remission, but to me I think modern medicine is a miracle.

There were so many little miracles around the cancer. In my alone moments this morning I thought about the way I felt the moments and days after the call that told me I was in remission. I also thought about the moments when I felt as though I was being carried by angels.

I hadn't thought about those times for a little while and I felt overwhelmed with gratitude again. Gratitude for the divine intervention in my life. Gratitude for the friends and family who helped along with way.

I also felt a lot of gratitude for parents and grandparents who taught me good things. Gratitude for the lasting impression of a father reading his scriptures early in the morning. Gratitude for the memory of my mother at a dining room table reading her scriptures. Gratitude for a sister who memorized scripture masteries. Gratitude for a husband who has knowledge than me.

And, today I feel an extra special gratitude for my friend and Sunday School teacher, who because he is always prepared to teach, motivates me to be prepared to come ready to learn. I always leave his class feeling strengthened in both knowledge and testimony. I love Bro Burton and his sweet wife, Helen, and am thankful for the opportunity I had to ponder this week about miracles.